Stress – is it natural?

There is a lot of stress in the world, in daily life. It is ubiquitous, it is commonplace, it is normal, it is accepted, it is expected. We talk about it, we hear about it, we look for it, we find it. We encourage it. We generate it. We let it build. We exaggerate it in our own minds. We dwell on it, we live in it – except we don’t, ‘live’ that is. Being in a state of stress is the very opposite of living. Being in a state of stress is literally ‘surviving’, and we know it when we step back and look at it. We know that when we are stressed, we are disconnected from our true selves, our true authentic thoughts and beliefs of who we are and who we want to be. We behave in ways that are harmful to ourselves, our lives and to others, especially our loved ones. We seem to thrive off stress – except we don’t. When we are stressed, we are not thriving, we are not living the life we would choose, and deep down we know it.

Stress comes in many forms, eg. worry, doubt, confusion, irritation, annoyance, frustration, discomfort, pain, etc., but the feeling at the heart of all stress is fear. Fear in the broadest sense of the word. In some sense we are feeling insecure, scared, not sure of ourselves, not on firm footing, not fully in control, not feeling satisfied, not having everything we need right now to be able to relax, not feeling fully safe, not feeling fully accepted, not feeling recognised, not feeling important, not feeling respected, not feeling we belong somehow. The feeling of stress, that sense of discomfort, comes from the subconscious as a protection mechanism so that we pay full attention to the perceived danger. In that moment, when we are feeling stress in some way, we become fixed on the danger. The greater the feeling, the harder it is to focus on other issues in our life, never mind how important. We feel isolated and disconnected, and there is an increasing sense of urgency about our predicament. Fortunately, the subconscious is programmed to return us back to peace as quickly and simply as possible, but unfortunately, that’s where it all goes wrong.

Peace is the natural state that all life is in all the time – until it’s not. Until there is a reason for not being at peace. In the natural world, these reasons are simple and straight-forward. For example: I feel hungry – now I need to try and find food; I feel unsafe – now I need to try and protect myself; I feel tired – now I need to try and rest; I feel horny – now I need to try and mate. In the natural world, the rules are very simple, and every feeling acts as an instinct to drive the living thing towards an action so that when that need has been fulfilled, it can return to peace. Peace is the natural state all living things are trying to maintain. Peace should be the natural state we are also in – until there is good reason not to be. But we don’t live in the natural world anymore. We have created civilised societies which are complex and nuanced, and for good reason.

The rules of living in the natural world are very simple to understand, but it is harsh, it is dangerous, it can be very uncomfortable. Nature/evolution has given us a conscious brain which allows us to be objective, step back, see what our problems are, and begin to think about them to find solutions. In other words, having a conscious brain means we have choice. We have options. Using our brain well means making good decisions. Every invention and development that humanity has come up with has been in some way to try and improve our lives, to make them less harsh, less dangerous, less uncomfortable, less unpredictable, easier. The vast majority of human beings now expect to have certain levels of comfort, security, safety, protection, justice, rights, etc., as standard. And the more that less-developed areas around the world get to see how others live, the more they begin to expect a better quality of life for themselves.

All of this is good. There can’t be many people who would want to go back to days of living and surviving outdoors, especially in winter, living in tribes or communities where there is a  threat of invasion from our enemies, living in a time where the justice system did not protect the common person, living in a time when medicine was poorly understood, when travel was slow and arduous, when technology we take for granted had not yet been invented, where there was little or no leisure time or entertainment. We are living in a time when the majority of us have sufficient comfort, security, access to technology, access to travel, access to work to achieve a reasonable income to support ourselves, access to leisure, etc. – that, in theory, we should be truly thriving, we should be happy, satisfied, contented.

We are benefiting from the hard, painful work that previous generations have put in, eg. democracy where we have a chance to be heard, science and technology where we have more comfort in our homes as standard (water, electricity, gas, heating, insulation, entertainment), a greater possibility of living longer and healthier with the advances in medicine, etc. and yet there is widespread acceptance of stress, dissatisfaction, discontentment, anxiety, irritation, anger – as if these feelings are fully righteous and justified. In fact, there’s something wrong with you if you are not feeling these things. If you are not complaining and criticising and getting annoyed with things, you are not seeing the truth, you are a pushover, a mug, someone who allows themselves to be mistreated.

Essentially, what is going wrong, is that humanity has forgotten what feelings are for. We have forgotten what is natural. We have forgotten how to live efficiently. In nature, energy is never wasted. Animals do not waste time flexing and tensing muscles if they don’t need to. They use the minimum amount of energy required to fulfil every task. Energy is precious. When life is harsh and unpredictable, we need all the available energy we can get. We have become so comfortable, so safe, that we have allowed ourselves to forget that energy is our most precious resource. And now we squander it on stress, ultimately on fear and insecurity, that, for the most part, is completely inappropriate, irrational, unnecessary, exaggerated, wasteful and misspent.

When we lived in nature, we knew that our energy was precious and not to be wasted. We knew how to be at peace. We knew what our feelings were for. We knew that our feelings are a precious energy that we had to pay attention to and use wisely. They are what helped us choose an appropriate action to help us survive so we could return to peace. We knew that once the action has been fulfilled, we no longer needed the feeling, it has done its job and we go back to peace. We even learned that we could generate more energy through generating good feelings. We learned that we can access greater levels and higher forms of energy than other animals because of our conscious brains. We learned to feel deeper love, deeper connection. Rather than just being an unconscious player in Nature’s perfectly balanced and harmonised system, we could actually start to feel an appreciation for balance and harmony. We realised that feeling good about our lives, about ourselves, feeling safe, secure, that we belong, etc. gave us the energy to create and explore, to search for more, to seek out greater understanding and truth.

When we feel truly connected to ourselves, when we feel truly alive, that we are living the life that feels right to us, we feel our lives have meaning and purpose. In fact, the feeling is so deep and natural that we don’t even put it into words. When we are feeling truly connected, we do not question life’s purpose in that moment. We only really question the point of life when we are not feeling it, when we feel disconnected from ourselves, our role, our purpose, the point of us. And what is it that disconnects us from our true selves, our inner self, our sense of who we truly are, where we belong, what makes us feel good, feel right, feel at peace? Stress. Fear. Insecurity. Not feeling safe. Not feeling in control. Not feeling we belong. Not feeling accepted and loved for who we are.

And what is it we feel when we are connected? Love, peace, harmony, unity, a sense of natural understanding, authentic. When we love what we are doing, love who we are being, love who we are with. When we learn to accept our past and accept who we are, accept our mistakes, accept what we have done and what has been done to us, we can begin to move towards a deeper, more sustainable sense of peace. If we can learn to be at peace with our past, we can be at peace in the present. Then we can face the future with a greater sense of peace, acceptance, hope, joy, excitement and optimism. But to make peace with our past requires us to learn to love ourselves and love others. And to learn to love ourselves and others we need greater understanding. For us to genuinely make peace with ourselves, with our lives and with all others – and it can’t just be said in words, it needs to be felt – we all need true understanding of how our feelings work, how they make us think and then how they make us act. We then need the understanding of how to better manage our own feelings, thoughts and actions. This is the stuff we have never been taught – at least, not properly. We may have been lucky enough to see some good examples in our life but mostly we are surrounded by poor practice and bad role-modelling.

This is what we have forgotten and lost over thousands of years. As we have moved away from living in nature, we have lost the natural wisdom we once possessed. Generation after generation have then embedded the normality of living in fear, repression, suppression, conflict, survival, to the point where, today, even though we are blessed with more comfort and security than any other previous generation, we have little idea of how to live and thrive sustainably. How to stay connected. How to love our lives. From times when life in society really was scary, dangerous and uncomfortable, when it really was about survival, the trauma of those times has been passed down, imperceptibly to the next generation, so that the new generation is unable to see the relatively better times they are living in.

Stress is separation, division, isolation, disconnection, dissatisfaction, dischord, unhappiness, discontentment, a sense of lack. Love is connection, belonging, unity, acceptance, peace, harmony, happiness, contentment, satisfaction, a sense of having what we need. Stress is survival. Love is living. Love is thriving. Love feels right without having to question it. And if every development, invention, discovery that humanity has put into the world has always been about creating greater security, understanding, comfort and control, then we are living in truly abundant times. We have never had it better. We should be living in appreciation and gratitude. But how many people truly are? Humanity has forgotten how precious life is, how precious energy is and we are squandering it on wasted, inappropriate fear and insecurity. We are continuing the unconscious programme of previous generations, believing we are living, when really we are spending much of our time just surviving. We may well get moments and periods where we love our lives but mostly we are just dipping our toe in the water and not realising that we should be aiming to stay immersed in this feeling until there is a very good reason not to be. And at that point we should be working to get back there.

We have forgotten how to love. We are not aware that we don’t know how to love. We don’t know what we don’t know – yet. We can’t see what we can’t see – yet. We only know what we have learned so far. And we don’t realise that, for the most part, we have not been taught well. So it is time to take control of our own learning. It is time to learn better lessons. It is time to look at our beliefs and decide which are helpful and beneficial and which are holding us back and disconnecting us from a life filled with greater meaning and purpose. It is time to learn some new lessons that we can pass on to future generations. There are ways in which we can change so that what we have to learn consciously, with effort, can be passed on to the next generation and learnt unconsciously. There are things we can do differently to the norm and to what everyone around us accepts as normal that can be passed on implicitly so that future generations don’t even realise that their happiness, peace and satisfaction is something we have had to consciously learn and put into practice. There are practices that, if we had been taught them, and had them role-modelled from birth, we would now be doing naturally, unconsciously, not even knowing we are doing something extraordinary.

And why should it be extraordinary to love our lives? But what does that even mean? What does that look like? I think that just about everybody, if pressed could find what is good about their lives, remember what they appreciate, realise how much worse things could be. And it’s in that moment, when we are feeling appreciation, gratitude, realising how we are fortunate, that we are focusing on what we have. In that moment, we are being an optimist. In contrast, when we are stressed in some way, we are focusing on a problem, what we don’t have, what we need to fix, what’s missing, what we are lacking. In that moment, we are being a pessimist. So all of us change from being optimists to pessimists depending on what we are feeling in a given moment.

Now, of course, there are times, often, where we do have real problems, issues that need resolving. There will naturally be times where we are feeling stressed because life is presenting challenges that we have to find a way through. I am not prescribing that we pretend everything is fine when it is not, that we suppress or deny what we are really feeling. We, in ourselves, need to be aware and acknowledge what we are feeling. That is the whole point of feelings. Every feeling is there to be noticed. The subconscious is aware of everything that is going on within us and outside of us. It is in charge of our survival. It only draws our attention to issues that it believes may be important. Every feeling comes from the subconscious to try and get the attention of the conscious brain. The conscious brain is the boss. And it should be the boss who makes the final decisions. The problem is that strong feelings override and overwhelm the boss, rendering the boss incapable of making a decision.

When there are strong feelings in our system, the conscious brain becomes incapacitated, so the boss is not available. So we are literally incapable of rational, objective thought. We are incapable of solving complicated problems. This is how our system is designed to work, so that, when we are in a life-threatening emergency, our conscious brain – which is slow, methodical, thoughtful, considerate, objective, wanting to look at the problem in its full context, from every angle – is shut down, and our subconscious – which is rapid, able to find the simplest most effective solution in milliseconds, incapable of context, only thinks in black-or-white terms, on-or-off, all-or-nothing, is mostly concerned with immediate, short-to-medium-term survival – takes over. In an emergency, this system is the most effective way to ensure our survival. In a complicated, non-emergency situation however, only the conscious brain has the ability to get us through successfully. So, all the stress we are seeing around us, day-to-day, is people trying to live and solve complicated problems whilst under strong emotion – and it’s never going to work.

The amount of stress we are witnessing in society means that most people are just surviving, they are living unconsciously most of the time – which is not really living at all. They are not in tune with their true selves, they are constantly going from short-term fix to short-term fix. They are not living in peace or in harmony. They are not loving their lives. They are feeling disconnected, isolated, insecure. We all become monstrous versions of ourselves under stress. The subconscious which is being allowed to take over and solve our complicated problems can’t do it. That isn’t what it is designed to do. It is utterly amazing at what it does but it is not designed to consider lots of difficult options from different angles in context so it can’t solve the complicated problems we face daily in a civilised society. It will keep us alive, ensure we survive, but it won’t help us truly live.

So, in conclusion to the question at the top, ‘is stress natural?’. Yes and no. Yes, it is natural to feel the emotions of stress when we are faced with a life-threatening emergency. Yes, it’s natural to get an uncomfortable feeling when something triggers us as a pattern-match to something we have experienced in the past. Yes, it is natural to feel some sense of insecurity when something is stopping us from being at peace. Feelings are there to get our attention so we can then make a decision about what we are going to do about the problem or challenge that faces us. Feelings of stress are essential protection mechanisms to lead us into useful action.

But is the amount of stress we are witnessing every day all around us natural? Absolutely not! It has become very normal but it is a long way from natural. When we talk about an animal’s nature, we are talking about its design. Each animal is designed perfectly for the functions it carries out in its environment. Its design is its nature. Human beings have been endowed with a conscious brain so that we can intervene and interrupt our feelings, our impulses, our instinctive reactions and instead, make a decision about whether that action is appropriate in the circumstances. All the displays of fear and anger we see being acted out in society are not examples of our human nature, they are examples of the worst we can be if we don’t know how to use our conscious brain, manage our feelings, and make human decisions instead of reacting like animals.

The conscious brain is the only evolutionary development in the history of the universe where the recipient of the change has to learn how to use it. Birds have not had to learn how to use their wings, bats have not had to learn how to use sonar, etc but human beings do have to learn how to use our brains if we truly want to be happy, content, fulfilled and at peace. There is a lot to learn and the lessons we are learning in our families, neighbourhoods, at school, through the media and through society at large are wrong a lot of the time. So we don’t even know what it is we are meant to be learning. Many people are just reaching points in their life where they know this isn’t enough, it doesn’t feel right, things should be better, there must be a better way. Starting from that realisation opens the door to seeking better ways to live. And the better way to live for all of us is more consciously. To really start to learn what using this conscious brain means. When we start to wake up to that, we start to realise our true nature, and we know it’s true because it feels authentic, it feels right.

So what’s the stuff we need to know but haven’t been taught?

I am proposing that the main thing that none of us have truly learnt, is how to properly use our brains in the way they are designed to be used. We haven’t learnt it because we haven’t been taught it. We haven’t been taught at home, at school, at work or from society in general. And actually, what we have learnt is the opposite of good practice. We have learnt how to stay annoyed, stay irritated, stay worried, stay anxious, stay indignant, stay pessimistic, stay focused on what is wrong with our lives, what we are lacking, what we rightfully deserve. All feelings are normal and valid, the feelings are not the problem, the problem is that we are practising ‘staying’ with the feeling rather than noticing it, calming ourselves, returning back to consciousness, deciding how appropriate the feeling is, and what decision and action we need to take to return to peace, our natural state. So, becoming more conscious means learning to manage our feelings appropriately.

I think that, if asked, most people would say they have a good level of emotional intelligence. Some would admit they don’t really know what that means, and for most people, that should be the most appropriate response. Emotional intelligence is the subject we have not been taught. Emotional intelligence means knowing what to do with our feelings in any given situation and so includes understanding how our brains and bodies work in terms of feelings, thoughts and resulting actions. There is so much bad practice that is ubiquitous that has seemingly good rationale behind it. But because so much of what we understand, and so much of what we do is going on everywhere, we can’t imagine how things would be if we did things differently. And we don’t even know what we should be doing differently. We don’t know that what we are doing is wrong. So we keep repeating it, and we keep ending up in the same unsatisfactory situations, whether that’s on a personal level or when we join with others in relationships or on the macro level of society. I would like to put forward some new teachings, some new ground rules that can help us all live more peaceful, harmonious, effective, meaningful lives.

What we need to know as individuals

Conscious versus subconscious

On an individual level, we all need better understanding of how our brains work, specifically the important difference between the subconscious and conscious parts of the brain. When we truly understand the different roles these parts of the brain play we can begin to learn how to maximise the effectiveness of our brains and minimise the preponderance for stress. Stress is at the heart of all human bad behaviour and all common mental health issues (aside from actual physical brain damage), and so reducing stress is what we need to do to create a more peaceful, fulfilling, happier, healthier life. When I talk about learning to use our brains well, I do not mean in the sense of high academic achievement, getting a higher IQ, I mean in the sense of using our brains in the way they have been designed to be used, using our brains properly. And this is what we have not been taught and don’t even realise that this is something we don’t know!

What makes us so different to other animals is this huge conscious brain that we have. We have a subconscious brain which works in exactly the same way as it does for all animals all the way up to the most complex mammals but we have a conscious brain which gives us access to infinitely more intelligence than the next most intelligent animal. What I am suggesting is that, in general, as a species, for much of the time, we are failing to use this complex tool with which we have been endowed in the manner Nature has designed it to be used. I suggest that, the vast majority of undesirable behaviour we witness in ourselves and in society is a result of us operating through our subconscious rather than our conscious brain. And that, with a new collective understanding, humans can more effectively continue their progress towards a more evolved, peaceful, harmonious and increasingly civilised state of being.

So, through observing animals, we can get an understanding of the role of the subconscious. The subconscious is a truly amazing piece of kit. It is constantly monitoring internally, within the organism, to ensure everything has what it needs to function well. Should anything start to become depleted, internal sensors communicate through feelings to make the animal seek out the chemical/nutrient it needs. Once satisfied, the whole system can return to homeostasis, ie. balance, ie. peace. The subconscious is also monitoring everything going on outside itself, in the environment, to make sure it is safe. The main job of the subconscious is survival, to keep life going, to keep the organism alive. So anything in the environment which may pose a threat must be taken seriously and a strong feeling, ie. fear, is the mechanism by which the organism is forced to focus on the threat and take the necessary action to get rid of it, whether that means getting away from it, or using a secondary emotion of anger so the organism attacks.

The subconscious is always acting to protect and preserve the life of the organism to which it belongs. It also has an amazing storage capacity. It stores every experience the organism has ever had so that it can use these experiences to pattern-match to new experiences. If a new experience is similar in some way to a previous bad experience, the subconscious will alert the organism through an uncomfortable feeling, ie. stress, to alert them to the danger. Again, an amazing system designed to preserve the life of the organism, and it is important to realise that it is always through the use of feelings that the organism is driven to action. If the animal is currently satisfied, needing nothing, and with no threat in the environment, then it is at peace, feeling neutral. It is only once there is a need that must be met, that it will not be at peace and it will be experiencing the appropriate feeling to get the need met.

As I have said, humans have exactly the same mechanisms in our subconscious brains and so we are capable of behaving in exactly the same way as animals if we are being driven by our feelings. But we have been given a conscious brain which is able to intervene. Our subconscious is amazing but it is not designed for complex problems that require contextual thinking and the ability to look at the problem from different viewpoints. The subconscious does not do context, it thinks in simple black-and-white, all-or-nothing terms because, in nature, the rules are simple, there is no context needed. It is only in civilised society – which human beings have felt driven to create – where problems become far richer in context, far more complex, and therefore require far more intelligence to navigate.

Emotional hijacking

The next vital piece of understanding we should all have been taught is that our conscious brains are designed to be shut down when there is a feeling present. The stronger the feeling, the more the conscious brain closes down. The stronger the emotion, the less intelligence and awareness we have access to. This is precisely because of how differently they function. The subconscious is designed to operate rapidly, able to make a decision instantly in an emergency. Drawing from its huge storage of experiences, it can instantly draw a conclusion and send a feeling that brings about immediate action. The conscious brain, in comparison, works very slowly and methodically, wanting to see the situation from all possible angles so it can decide the most appropriate course of action for success. If the conscious brain were left to decide the course of action in a life-threatening emergency, the chances are we would be killed before we had the time to decide anything.

So, for good reason, we are designed to lose the ability to think rationally and methodically when under the influence of emotion. Personally I prefer to use the word ‘feeling’ rather than ’emotion’. This is because our system doesn’t differentiate between different types of feelings. Anything we feel is designed to get our attention, whether it’s an emotion like fear, or a sensation like pain, discomfort or hunger. For any feeling, the mechanism works the same way. The stronger it gets, the less able we are to think intelligently. So the importance of understanding the connection between feelings and how our brain works is huge. Not understanding this human mechanism leaves us prey to being hijacked at any given moment, whether we are feeling something from within ourselves or perceiving a threat from outside ourselves, it is easy for us to lose access to our available intelligence.

So, therefore, something we all need to learn to do better is to be calmer. Even a small amount of irritation, annoyance, worry, doubt, fear, etc. starts to shut down our conscious brain. If it is not the conscious brain which is doing the decision-making, then it’s the subconscious deciding what action is appropriate. But the subconscious should only be making decisions in a life-or-death situation, and how often can we truly say that we are in that kind of emergency. If we are not in a life-threatening emergency, we should be remaining calm and in control so that we can keep the conscious brain engaged, examine all our available options, remain rational, and decide the best course of action. This is how we are designed to function optimally. We have been given this conscious brain but, when we are faced with a difficulty, we easily become hijacked by our feelings and then lose the ability to effectively problem-solve our way through the difficulty.

Calmness is the key. But it needs to be genuine. We need to be honest with ourselves about what we are feeling. If we are not calm and at peace, then we are not able to think. We need to put some time between the problem and the solution. If we are not calm, we are not ready to think or decide the best action. remind ourselves we cannot trust our thoughts right now. We need to stop and slow down. Breathe. Take some time out. Get away from the problem. Do something which allows our feelings to settle, to cool down. We need to understand that feelings are incredibly powerful and they increase a sense of urgency in ourselves. They are designed to make us take serious action, ultimately to fight or run for our lives, so they have to be powerful to make us do that. So we need to realise that when we are in the grip of a feeling, the overwhelming temptation will be to act on it, as if it is an instruction, a call to action. It takes great effort and understanding to resist the pull of a feeling. This is why we need all the correct information first, so we can take the difficult action of resisting the temptation of acting on our feelings. This knowledge and understanding needs to be more powerful than the feeling driving us to act.

We need to realise that the difference between us and animals is this conscious brain which is designed to intervene and choose the best course of action. If we are not at peace and acting on our feelings, we are almost certainly making the wrong decision. For human beings, feelings are a ‘question’, not an instruction to act. Feelings come from our subconscious attached to a pattern-match, something we have learned from previous experience. The subconscious recognises a similarity between the current situation and previous one and if there was something unpleasant or dangerous for us in some way in the previous situation, it will send us a feeling to get our attention. If we act on that feeling we are reinforcing the pattern-match, we are responding to the subconscious letting it know it made an accurate match. But what we should be doing is recognising we have an unpleasant feeling, stopping ourselves, slowing ourselves down, breathing, calming ourselves, and then once calm, deciding whether the feeling was actually appropriate.

So much of what we get tripped up by are pattern-matches from our past, even – or rather, especially – from our childhood, that are not actually relevant or appropriate to the current circumstances. But until we are calm and able to rationalise, our brain continues to treat the pattern-match as entirely appropriate. So the pattern-match stays and we keep getting sent unpleasant feelings whenever something similar occurs. As I said, the subconscious does not do context. It does not care if we are now a strong independent successful adult and the original experience was when we were a small helpless child. It is in charge of our survival and will continue to make us aware of any dangers until we consciously feedback that this situation no longer represents danger to us. So if an unpleasant experience in our childhood continues to match to situations in our adulthood and we continue to act on the feeling that comes, the pattern-match remains as a completely appropriate response, and will continue to affect us forever until we consciously realise that it is no longer appropriate.

As I said, feelings, even though they are powerful in how they make us want to act, should actually be treated as questions from the subconscious to the conscious brain. The subconscious is asking, “Is this feeling still appropriate?”, “Should we be scared right now?”, “Should we be angry at this?”. The subconscious knows it is not in charge of complicated problems. It knows it is in charge when it is a life-threatening emergency. So if the conscious brain allows itself to be taken over by a feeling, the conscious brain is effectively handing over control to the subconscious to deal with a complicated problem. The subconscious will then do what it is good at and rapidly pull out the first, instinctive reaction that matches the feeling. As I have said previously, under stress, we are all capable of becoming monstrous versions of ourselves. That is because the subconscious is deciding the best course of action that would be completely appropriate if we lived by the laws of nature, where life-threatening emergencies are real and survival is paramount. We still mostly manage to keep some conscious brain involved to stop us going too far but can still find ourselves acting in a way that we regret once we have calmed down.

To reiterate a point, it is very important that we realise how powerful feelings are. When we are in the grip of fear or anger, for example, in that moment, the feeling feels completely justified and appropriate. When we are angry with someone, we feel completely in the right, and feel they are completely in the wrong. This is exactly how the machinery of our brains is designed to work. 50,000 years ago, when we lived by the laws of nature, there was no room for reasonable doubt that we might be wrong and the enemy might be right – that is too nuanced and contextualised for the simple laws of nature. We needed to be fully prepared to fight for our lives, so we had to feel fully justified in whatever action we needed to take to ensure our survival, and ensure we got rid of the threat, so we could return to peace. So the moment we get even a little bit annoyed, irritated, frustrated, we are at the thin end of the anger wedge, and we will have the feeling that we are 100% right and justified and the other party is 100% wrong. Only once we are calm, can we start to see the problem from their perspective and accept that they may have a valid point and so start to search for a solution that is the best way through for everybody. Only once we are calm, can we choose to live consciously, rationally and with intelligence.

What we need to know in our relationships

From the moment of the Big Bang where nothing was connected, where there was total and utter chaos and disorder, atoms have been joining together. At a subconscious level, atoms seek out and join with whatever they are designed to fit with. Atoms don’t form bonds with just any other atom, they bond with atoms they are actually already designed to connect with. Once atoms have joined and formed a bond as a molecule, they are tied together in an unconscious relationship. From the time of the Big Bang to the present day, we can see that, from a universe where all atoms began as separate entities, we now have a universe where there is great order, in the form of galaxies, solar systems, stars, planets, moons, etc. Everything that has formed, operates in an interactive way with everything else through gravity and motion, each affecting the other, so everything is in a relationship with everything else. The whole universe is built on relationships and was always designed to be that way.

As human beings, evolutionary-speaking, we are a social animal and could not have survived outside of the group. Belonging and being an accepted member of the tribe, was everything to us. It was our safety, our survival, our identity, our sense of security, our comfort, where we can fully relax, be at peace, be ourselves, where we found meaning and purpose, our understanding of the world – our whole life. In civilised society today, we live in huge numbers, but we have lost the comforting sense of what it was like to belong to a tribe where we were automatically accepted for who we are. We live in mini tribes, families, that are fragmented and spread out and we go out into the world and mix with people from other mini tribes and form new mini tribes. The mini tribe we came from may feel like a safe haven where we feel we can be fully ourselves – but not necessarily, and in my experience, not even that often. There is so much stress in society and this plays out to huge detrimental effect in the family.

Not feeling secure in our relationships with others is a huge stress to us. We cannot expect to be happy in ourselves if we don’t have or struggle to maintain peaceful, healthy relationships. Much of the stress we see in society is as a result of clashes in relationships. And those whose stress isn’t caused from a malfunctioning relationship will certainly be affecting the relationships around them. So understanding how best to manage the complexity of human relationships is vital if we are serious about seeking happiness in our lives – and who wouldn’t be seeking that? But when I say relationships, I don’t just mean intimate partnerships. Where there is some sort of connection between two people, I would call that a relationship of some description. As we will see later, defining, at least in our own minds, what sort of relationship we have with each person is vital if we are to navigate it in a way that is healthy for us.

So what is a relationship? A relationship is simply where two separate identities are co-operating in some way. Implied in this is a measure of choice, that each one wants to work, be involved, co-operate with the other. For each party to choose to work with another there has to be some benefit for them, it has to be preferable to being on their own. So each party in a relationship should be getting what they need from the arrangement. And at the same time they should be happy to give what the other needs from them. When we have two parties receiving what they need and giving to the extent they are happy to, we have a healthy relationship. There are many types of human relationship from the very light-touch to the most intimate, from the most equal to those where there is a hierarchy, eg. parent-child, boss-employee, but those basic principles should still apply.

There are 5 pillars that are needed to uphold any healthy relationship, and a 6th in the case of close, intimate friendships. Those 5 pillars are: equality, communication, trust, ‘business sense’, and give-and-take. The 6th for close friendships is ‘x factor’. They are all pillars, so they are all essential, but the one that causes the most trouble is communication. Communication is the fuel which keeps the relationship working and without fuel, or the correct fuel, it breaks down. I’m going to give a brief explanation of the other pillars and then go into detail to explain what we need to know about healthy communication.

Equality – this is about each member of the relationship feeling they are of equal value. There can be various discrepancies, eg. age, status, income, background, education, etc. but for the relationship to be healthy, each party needs to feel they are valued for who they are.

Trust – this is a central pillar, without trust, we cannot relax and feel secure with the other. To thrive in a relationship, we need to feel we can be our true, authentic selves and if we don’t feel safe, we are on alert with our defences up, guarding ourselves from any potential hurt.

‘Business sense’ – by this, I mean that it makes sense to go into a relationship with the other party. A relationship is like a trade, and the trade needs to make sense to both parties. When we have two people who are desperate for a trade / needing a relationship because they don’t feel they can manage themselves well enough, we do not have the foundation for a healthy relationship.

Give-and-take – this ties in with ‘business sense’ and equality in that both parties should be receiving what they need from the relationship and giving to the extent that they are prepared to give. A relationship that starts from a desperate need usually has an imbalance in give-and-take which eventually causes a major rift in the relationship.

X factor – this applies to platonic friendships as well as sexual relationships. X factor is the term we use to mean something we can’t necessarily clearly state, there’s just a click, a mutual understanding, something subconscious where we just seem to instinctively like each other and get along easily. I liken this to the same way that everything in nature knows unconsciously it’s design, from atoms all the way up to us humans, we have a design and when we are connecting with what we are supposed to, things feel right.

Communication

The human brain is the most complex piece of equipment in the known universe because each one comes with its own unique wiring (we each have our own unique bundle of strengths and weaknesses) and then each one builds up, from its own unique life experiences, its own understanding about how it belongs in this world and so how best to live. A relationship is where two brains try to work together – that creates complexity squared! For one brain to work well, where it can access it’s full capacity, it’s full awareness, all of it’s available functionality, it requires a sense of security, safety, peace, calmness. For two brains to work well together, where each brain is able to make full use of its own capacity whilst also processing and interpreting what is coming from the other brain, again a sense of security, safety, calmness, peace and trust is required. The sense of peace and trust needs to be felt about their own self and about the other. If there is any lack of inner peace or trust towards the other, the relationship is going to struggle and problems will ensue.

As I said, communication is what fuels the relationship. It is important to note that 93% of communication is non-verbal and so understanding that our expressions, body language, actions, tone and even what we don’t say is still communicating something. It is also important to understand that good communication is about whether the correct message gets received at the other end. It is not really about how well we think we have explained something, it is about how well it has been understood. Good communication is about finding a way to get our message across in a way that they understand it. If the receiver has not fully understood what we meant, we need to first accept that we didn’t explain it well enough ‘for them’. Our explanation may work for lots of other people but it is about finding a way that works for the person we are communicating with.

A relationship is an attempt to work together for mutual benefit but we need to understand that human beings are infinitely different and varied. In a sense, almost everyone else is weird to us. They feel differently, think differently and act differently to us so that is very difficult for us to grasp because everything we do makes perfect sense to us – so surely they should just be like us and then they’d be fine. As I said earlier, we are wired differently from birth and then we are a product of our life experiences and everybody’s life experiences are different. So communication is how we get them to understand us better and how we better get to understand them. The more we understand each other, the better we can work together and the stronger the relationship can be.

This is why trust is a central pillar of a healthy relationship because, to work well together, we need to get to know each other and help them get to know us, and so we need to reveal ourselves warts and all and they need to reveal themselves. We need to feel safe and secure before we can show our true selves. So, for the communication to fuel a healthy relationship, it needs to be open, honest, trust-worthy, sincere, genuine, kind, giving, thoughtful, careful, attentive, compassionate, caring. If someone is on the receiving end of this kind of communication, it should help them to feel safe enough to reciprocate. If two people communicate in this manner as a matter of course, and the other pillars are in place, they will have a very healthy relationship, from which they will both benefit in terms of their own personal well-being.

As I have already mentioned, there are lessons that humanity needs to learn (or relearn) in order to consciously work towards living peacefully, both individually and collectively. For the last 10,000 years, since the start of agriculture, we have moved further away from being in tune with nature, but especially with our own true nature. Since the creation of civilised society, with its rules, laws, customs and expectations, we have lost the sense that peace is our natural state and stress is a mechanism to help drive us towards finding a solution to a current problem. Generation after generation has passed on its own sense of insecurity that successive generations have largely been unable to consciously break free of. This has had a huge impact on how we communicate with each other.

We have reached a point in human history where I believe we have mostly achieved a level of comfort, hygiene, safety, security, control, understanding, that, for a lot of us, means we have enough to feel satisfied. So, learning to live in a way where we allow ourselves to feel satisfied, to feel content, to feel, by and large, that we are doing well enough to relax and enjoy what we have, now needs conscious effort, because this is not what most of us have learned from our upbringings or from what we see in society. Now is the time to learn to accept what we have and be happy with it and teach the next generation how to do this. This is how we begin to find greater personal happiness and therefore greater collective happiness – surely the best measure for whether we are successful in our lives.

Much of the discontentment in society comes from our interactions with each other, at every level. Even in the most seemingly insignificant of interactions we can be making mistakes that cause needless stress without our even realising. We have never been taught in our families, at school, at work, through the media or from every-day society at large, how to interact and communicate in a way that helps maintain mutual peace. Through learning and practising the following rules, we can begin to do our bit to bring about peace, firstly in ourselves, and then in our interactions. In a relationship, it only really takes one person to remain at peace to completely change the dynamic. When we, as individuals, maintain our sense of peace, it changes the typical responses of those with whom we may normally end up in conflict. Over time, this creates a greater atmosphere of peace and allows the other (who is not even aware of the rules) to increasingly lower their defences and hence trust the sense of peace they are feeling around them.

The following rules are in no particular order and some are really quite similar. Each one starts with a ‘soundbite’ headline but it is in the nuance of applying these rules where we need full understanding. Any one of these rules could be misinterpreted and applied badly, to harmful effect. These rules are not easy to apply because all of them potentially require us to go against our instincts, our normal feelings, what we have learned, what we see going on around us every day. Applying these rules requires conscious effort but I aim to show that every one of these rules makes perfect rational sense and the results are worth the effort. Also, not learning and applying these rules in our lives means we leave ourselves forever prone to stress, conflict and relationship breakdown. Now is the time in humanity’s story to begin to relearn how to live in peace and bring about the next stage in human evolution. Nature gave us this conscious brain and it has never been a more important time to learn how to use it properly. The most difficult challenge is learning to maintain our peace when communicating but I believe that enough of us learning to do this will literally be the saving of us all.

3 Important Caveats – Please Take Note

Caveat 1

The following rules apply to relationships where the other pillars are in place, where there is a mutual desire to be at peace, where there is a foundation of trust and a desire to work together for mutual benefit. These rules do not apply in abusive relationships where there is an imbalance of desire for control. Unfortunately, some people have been significantly damaged in their upbringing and have been left under-developed and incapable of maintaining their part in a healthy relationship. Sometimes, they are highly skilled at lying and manipulating others for their own gain. In those circumstances, I recommend the other person to get out. There is hope for these damaged people but there is work they must do themselves, no one can do it for them. We cannot control anyone but ourselves, so we cannot change or fix people just because we want to, so do not stay in a relationship out of a desire to help someone else. You are meant to get what you need from the relationship first. The desire for change has to come from the individual who needs to change, not from those around them who want them to change, and the desire must be genuine and permanent – two feelings a person with this kind of damage struggles to understand.

Caveat 2

Applying these rules in our lives in real time is really quite difficult, so difficult in fact, that we may not even realise we have broken a rule. So we need patience, self-compassion, realistic expectations and a sense of humour because we are never going to be perfect at this. But we can always keep improving and learning from our mistakes so that we create ever more peace in our lives.

Caveat 3

Each rule comes with a soundbite headline to try and sum it up and an attempt at a comprehensive explanation. Words are a very blunt tool for communicating from one brain to another because words carry their own individual meanings that are personal to our own life experiences. So even my best attempt to explain the rules fully, so that they aren’t misunderstood, could fail dismally. The words and explanations I choose obviously make perfect sense to me and I try my best to imagine how my words may be read by the reader but I know it is probably impossible to foresee every possible misinterpretation. My aim is to teach how we can all live in peace with ourselves and with others and so I hope it is the essence and spirit of these rules that shines through and resonates.

The Rules for Communicating in Healthy Relationships

• Give them the attention they need

The act of being attentive, giving the other the attention they need, is a simple act of love and we all suffer when are not receiving the attention we feel we need. When someone gives us their attention it communicates that we matter to them, that we are important, that we exist. When we feel we matter to someone else, we can relax more easily, feel more safe and secure and feel more confident in ourselves.

• Be open, honest, clear and kind

As I mentioned previously, a relationship is where two very different brains are attempting to work together, and to do that well, they need as much understanding of each other as possible. If we allow ourselves to be open, we are allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with the other. When we do this we are giving them the gift of trust. We are demonstrating that we feel safe with them and we are trusting that they will not use this information to hurt us. We are doing this so they can understand us better from which we can benefit. If they return the compliment by being open and vulnerable about themselves, we must also make sure we treat that information with kindness and care.

For us to be understood better, we need to make sure our communication is clear, honest and genuine. We cannot expect to be understood if we send mixed messages, coded messages or if we act in a passive aggressive way. As I said before, if it seems our message is not being understood, we must first look to ourselves as to how we can communicate more clearly. And it is very important we stop expecting people to feel, think and act like we would. So much stress, conflict and confusion in relationships comes from each person guessing and assuming what the other is thinking, based on what they would think, as if they have the same brain, rather than actually trying to understand how the other person is different to them. We never actually feel what someone else is feeling, so we must never assume and use our skills of communication to try and understand them better.

• Never defend ourselves, never attack the other – stay vulnerable

This is such a difficult rule to stick to – so we mustn’t be hard on ourselves if we fail – but I will endeavour to explain why it is essential to healthy relationships. As I have explained above, we have a conscious part and a subconscious part of the brain, both designed to do very different jobs. Every feeling we have comes to us unconsciously, we don’t deliberately make it happen, so it is the subconscious sending us feelings. As I have said, feelings are extremely powerful, because they have always needed to be strong enough to make us run or fight for our lives. 50,000 years ago, if an enemy tribe wandered into our territory, we would first have needed a feeling of fear for what they might do to us and then anger that we are not prepared to take it.

So any time we are feeling threatened in some way, the machinery in our heads kicks into a well-practised programme. There is an overwhelming desire/urge/impulse/feeling to defend ourselves in some way (whether through avoidance or confrontation) and rightfully so, we may think. But, hang on a minute. If the threat is coming from one of our loved ones, something isn’t right.

Think about it, when we are calm, what would we say we want for our loved ones, members of our chosen tribe, the people with whom we feel safe and a sense of belonging, the people with whom we have entered into a relationship? We want the best for them. We want them to thrive. We want them to be happy and doing well. We benefit when they are doing well, we feel good when they are happy, so we feel happy for them. So them being happy and at peace also makes us feel better and so helps us to be more happy and at peace. It’s a win-win.

But what happens the moment we feel threatened? Our own tribe suddenly become the enemy. The powerful urge to defend ourselves means we unwittingly enter into conflict. This may take different forms, but even the simple, and seemingly justifiable, act of defending ourselves from being attacked means we are now showing we are in conflict. We only put our defences up if we are in conflict or we fear being attacked. Having our defences up means now we are not being open so we are not communicating well. There is a figurative wall between us and the ‘enemy’. The way it generally plays out is now we have entered into a game of defend and attack and we need to win.

The powerful feeling we have to win is coming from ancient mechanisms that were essential when we lived in nature when life was harsh and the rules were simple. That feeling of irritation, annoyance, frustration – even when it is only quite mild – makes us feel we are right, they are wrong. I need to win the argument and show them they are wrong. I need to score points against them. I need them to see things my way. I need to win and I need them to lose. So as we follow this through, when we are in the grips of this feeling, it is trying to drive the action of us beating our enemies. So that we end up feeling good, back at peace having won, and they lose, and we really don’t care what they feel.

But hang on, the person we are fighting is the person we originally said we wanted to be happy and to feel good. And yet, the moment we enter into conflict, all that disappears and we want to beat them down. So therefore, if we do manage to succeed in winning this conflict, the outcome will be our loved one feeling bad, feeling unhappy. So they lose but so do we. We have now gone against our original stated desire of wanting our loved one to feel good. So every conflict with our loved one automatically results in a lose-lose. It is impossible for the score to end as 1-0, it will always be 0-0 the moment conflict begins.

But, you are probably thinking, what am I meant to do when they start it? But how do arguments actually start? When we are at peace with ourselves and each other, feeling good and enjoying each other’s company, the last thing we want is a fight. So how do fights start? If we think about arguments we have had, we can usually see what the other person did to cause it, to trigger us in some way. It’s always the other person who starts it. And this is how it is in every relationship. But how can that be? That does not make mathematical sense. And it’s because fights always start from a ‘perceived’ attack. That perception of the other attacking us or presenting a threat in some way may be absolutely real or it may be just be a pattern-match from our own past experiences but the feeling we get is real and drives us towards going on the defensive.

If the attack was real, then it means they are attacking us because they feel we have already attacked them in some way so they are just defending themselves. It feels like they are clearly starting it but they already feel that we started it. If it’s just a pattern-match to something from our own past, then we will automatically go on the defensive, and the first they will know about it is that suddenly we have started a conflict for no reason and now they need to take defensive action.

And the moment one person takes defensive action, they have entered into conflict. The moment both have entered, it is automatically a lose-lose situation. So it is pointless. Futile. A waste of time and energy. So we should learn to stop doing it. So we need to start using our conscious brains to override these powerful feelings – as our brains are designed to do – so that we can achieve peace, which is actually what we are trying to achieve through conflict. It used to work when we used it against our enemies because it got rid of the threat so we could return to peace. It doesn’t work when we do this with our loved ones, our allies, our tribe, because once the fight has died down, they are still there, they haven’t gone away. So therefore, they are not actually a threat. They are not our enemy and never were.

This conscious brain is designed to be able to see things from different angles, different perspectives, from other points of view. Living in a civilised society is complex and layered. It is complicated and nuanced. Only the conscious brain can handle these layers of complexity. The conscious brain is designed to solve complex problems with many variables. Human relationships are the most complex interaction in the known universe because one brain on its own is the already the most complex piece of machinery in the known universe but a relationship is where two brains attempt to work together and understand each other to make themselves and the other feel better. That becomes complexity squared! So we need all our available intelligence to navigate the inevitable communication needs in a relationship and it is that very intelligence we lose the moment we are triggered and we are running on our feelings.

Once we enter into conflict and we are arguing our case, trying to score points, trying to win, we are no longer trying to understand the other, we are trying to force them to understand us. But they are doing exactly the same, so no one is listening, no one is trying to understand the other, no one is trying to find a solution to the problem, no one is willing to compromise. So again, a complete waste of time and energy. Hence the rule – never defend, never attack.

So what do we do instead? We have to learn to be vulnerable. If we can’t be vulnerable with our loved ones, then who can we be vulnerable with? If we are at peace, we have nothing to fear. If we have not attacked them, we shouldn’t need to defend ourselves and attack back. If we feel we are being attacked by our loved ones then we need to realise that that means they have already perceived that we have attacked them. So we need to show that, if they think we are attacking them, we didn’t mean to, we are sorry. We should take the attitude of wanting to understand what it is we have done that made them feel attacked so we can understand them and ourselves better and gain a greater understanding of how to work better together. That is what a loving relationship is all about – learning how to improve how we work together.

So we must keep our defences down. And if we feel hurt by their attack, we need to show we are hurt but not defend and attack back. If they see we are hurt, then there is more chance they will feel some shame for attacking us and so not want to continue attacking if we are not defending ourselves. It is this feeling of shame and guilt that then diffuses conflict as it takes out the desire to score and win. The sooner a conflict ends, the quicker we can start to communicate again and engage in peace talks where we are reaching for understanding and solutions. This is what our conscious brains are designed to do. This is what we have to learn – how to override these powerful feelings, urges, impulses, through greater understanding of how we can maintain and strive for ever more peace.

Incidentally, what scientists report, who have studied and lived with indigenous tribes – human beings who continue to live in tune with nature, in the way they have for thousands of years and live how we all used to live – is that people in these tribes are entirely peaceful with each other. There is no arguing, shouting, fighting in families or between neighbours. They already know it makes no sense to fight in the same tribe. They have well-practised ways of dealing with differences of opinion calmly and peacefully. Therefore, the lessons I am saying we need to learn are not new. 50,000 years ago we knew how to live peacefully in our tribe. We did not waste time and energy on fighting our loved ones. We already knew that made no sense. So what I am trying to show is how we return to our true nature of peace.

So what we now have to relearn consciously, and what seems so difficult to do at the moment, is what we need to teach the next generation. And eventually, just like our ancient ancestors, future generations will be growing up in loving, peaceful environments where these rules are unconsciously in place. Because it just makes sense. Because it’s natural. Because it’s right. Because it feels good. Because we are designed to seek out peace so it is time to start doing it properly, consciously, in a way that actually works. These rules are difficult to apply because we are now having to learn them consciously, just like when we first learned to drive – but harder – but there is no alternative so let’s get on with it and start making the necessary changes in our own lives. That really is the best we can do and it is enough to be going on with.

• Unasked-for advice is criticism

This is a golden rule we all need to learn and think about. We all probably get this wrong and inadvertently go round criticising each other because we want to help. It seems to come from a good place, helping others when they have a problem, that’s a nice thing to do and of course we should help each other out. But, when someone isn’t asking for our advice, we are actually failing to help them with what they are seeking from us, and our help and advice will probably be falling on deaf ears leaving us feeling frustrated that we are not being listened to.

But, not being listened to is exactly what the other person is feeling. They weren’t looking for advice, they wanted someone to listen to them, they needed to vent, to feel heard and understood. They were checking in on another human being to find out if what they are feeling with what is bothering them is normal. They were seeking validation of their feelings. And the moment we jumped in with unasked-for advice, we did exactly the opposite. We invalidated their feelings by sending the message that they are getting it wrong, they should do what we would do, they should feel about it how we would feel.

And why do we jump in with advice? Because we are empathising wrongly. This leads to the next 3 rules which are all on a similar theme:

• Get comfortable with suffering
• Empathise but don’t absorb
• Own your own feelings – let others own theirs

It is important we realise that there is no end of suffering in the world. Everyone suffers in some way, to a certain degree, at certain times in their lives. Suffering, in its broadest sense, is part of life. It doesn’t matter who you are, how rich and privileged you are, how intelligent, how good-looking, how healthy, how athletic, etc. you will suffer in some way, at some point, to some degree. And it’s easy to imagine that others don’t. When we compare ourselves and see that others are better off in some way, it is easy to imagine that they have it easy, but everyone has their problems.

Everyone has their own insecurities, their own weaknesses, their own vulnerabilities, times when they feel out of their comfort zone, times when they feel self-conscious, times when they feel weak, times when they are unsure and lacking confidence, times when they don’t know the answers and don’t know which way to turn, times when they feel lost and directionless, times when they feel embarrassed, guilty, ashamed of themselves. Everybody feels stress. When we feel stressed, we are not at peace. We do not feel in touch with our true selves, we feel disconnected from others, we feel isolated, we feel under threat in some way, we feel lost, we feel unhappy. This is suffering and it is impossible to avoid it in life.

So, it is essential for us to realise that there is going to be suffering in our own lives. Once we fully embrace this fact, we can firstly make sure we are grateful for, and making the most of, the times when we are not suffering. Secondly, we can become more aware when we are experiencing some suffering that this is a part of life, it is temporary and will pass. We can also see from our past that our suffering was important for us to learn something. There was a reason we were suffering and if we learned something to get ourselves through it, it helped us become more aware, more skilled, more intelligent, more adaptable, more in tune, ultimately more resilient in the end. If we can see our past struggles as essential life lessons, then we can be grateful for our past suffering. If, when we are suffering, we can step back and reframe it as an essential learning process we are going through for our personal development, we can actually lessen the weight of it at the time.

As well as accepting that we will suffer, it is essential to realise that others will too. Our loved ones will suffer. If we don’t accept and learn to ‘get comfortable’ with this fact, then we will only bring ourselves more suffering. This makes no sense for two reasons. One, our natural state is to be in peace, and when we are stressed, our instinct is to return ourselves to peace, so why would we create extra suffering for ourselves by being stressed about others suffering? That goes against what is natural. Also, we are going to have enough of our own suffering in our lives, so we really don’t need to be finding more.

Two, allowing ourselves to be stressed, and suffer ourselves, just because we can’t handle someone else’s suffering, is worse than useless. It is of no use to the person who is actually suffering. We render ourselves useless when they may need us most. When they need us to be strong, when they need to call on us for help, when they need us at our best, we reduce our intelligence, we tire ourselves out and make ourselves weak because of our own stress. When we go to someone for help, whether a friend or in a professional capacity, we need them to be calm, we need them to be able to listen and hear us, we need them to have enough energy to give us the help we need. If they are stressed, they cannot give us their best support.

Not getting comfortable with others’ suffering also has a hugely negative effect on communication in relationships. Effective communication is the fuel that keeps relationships going, whether that be between friends, family or partners. For communication to be effective, it needs to be open, honest, clear and kind. Once somebody is stressed, they are no longer thinking rationally, they perceive threat more readily and they become focused on themselves more so their ability to communicate well is massively hindered. If two people are stressed, it is impossible for them to communicate well. So, if we want to maintain our ability to communicate with someone who is suffering, we need to make sure we are not suffering as well.

Another pernicious effect on loving relationships is how people stop being open and honest when stressed. This leads us into the second and third of the three rules mentioned above: ’empathise but don’t absorb’ and ‘own your own feelings and let others own theirs’. I think most people believe they are good at empathising but I would disagree. The reason I would disagree is that we have never actually been taught what empathy is and how to do it well and what has been role-modelled for us has been poor practice, so we don’t actually know what empathising properly looks like. Practice does not make perfect, it makes permanent! People getting stressed when others are suffering is a misuse of our skill to empathise. It is a misuse of our imagination and causes harm.

We need to understand that empathy takes place in our imagination. When we see another human being suffering, we are able to instantly imagine ourselves in that, or a similar, situation. As soon as we imagine that suffering, we feel it. When we feel it, it stops us being at peace in that moment. When we are not at peace, our brain instinctively tries to get us back to peace. As it is not us that actually has the problem causing the other’s suffering, we feel a strong need to help them fix their problem so we can return to our peace. If they can be ok, then we can be ok. So this takes us back to the problem of ‘unasked-for advice is criticism’ because we will find ourselves giving advice to the person who is suffering, in the belief we are being kind, empathic citizens, but all we are really doing is criticising them and trying to fix them so we can feel better.

It’s a mess! And there are other implications that damages effective communication. In a loving relationship, for example in our family, because of this getting stressed by each others’ suffering, because we are absorbing their stress, further complications ensue. If we know a loved one gets stressed when we are stressed, then out of love and kindness, we are going to try and keep that from them. So when they detect that we are stressed in some way, they will show concern and ask us how we are. If we don’t want to make them stressed, then we will pretend we are fine. Of course they won’t believe us, and then will worry even more, imagining everything that might be wrong with us, or even worry that it is them that have upset us. Also, we who have the stress, do not have someone we can turn to because we are too busy protecting them from our stress.

So, if we don’t learn to empathise correctly, everyone suffers more than necessary. So how should we empathise? We need to recognise which feelings are appropriate for us and which feelings are appropriate for the other who is suffering. We need to recognise that the moment we perceive them suffering, we are likely to get an uncomfortable feeling ourselves. That is the empathy. That is us being able to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes and imagine how we would feel in that situation. But that’s the key. We are imagining what we would feel. We actually have no idea what they are actually feeling because we can never truly know what someone else feels. We feel what we feel and they feel what they feel. We have words to try and describe these feelings but we’ll never truly know if what we feel is the exact same as someone else.

So we need to recognise and acknowledge our own discomfort when we see someone else suffering but then decide what we are going to do with that feeling. We need to decide whether it is appropriate or useful. We need to decide whether there is some action we need to take. The problem with not being self-aware is that the uncomfortable feeling will just drive us to action which actually makes the situation worse. We need to realise that if the other person is suffering, then it isn’t our problem, it’s theirs. I don’t mean this in a cold, heartless way. I’m saying this for all the reasons mentioned above. If we don’t reduce our own stress by accepting and getting comfortable with others’ suffering, we will be of no use to them, they will stop communicating to protect us and we will end up criticising them through giving unsolicited advice. We need to own our own feelings and deal with them appropriately, ie. if it’s not our problem, we should not be suffering. And we need to let them own theirs, understanding it’s their problem, it’s their suffering at this time.

There will be times when we are suffering and the last thing we would want would be for our loved ones to be suffering as well because of us. So we need to make a new deal with our loved ones. We need to agree a new contract that, when one of us is suffering in some way, the other will agree to not suffer as well. That way, the other person can stay strong and be the support we need. Also, it means we can now agree to always be open and honest and stop pretending to be fine when we’re not. We can trust the other if they are saying they are fine, and we can vent our stress when we need to knowing it won’t cause stress to the other. With this new agreement, we can keep communication flowing openly and honestly, allowing everyone to feel more secure, and when we are struggling, we can always get the support we need.

But there is a really important communication skill that we need to learn and practise to be able to listen to somebody when they are stressed and needing to vent. As I’ve previously said, we must stop ourselves from giving unsolicited advice because then, instead of feeling heard, the person suffering is feeling criticised. If they keep feeling criticised every time they open up they will soon learn to keep their problems to themselves. And in loving relationships, we want our loved ones to come to us when they are struggling. We want to support them in their hour of need, just as we may need from them when we have a problem. The following communication skill is the hardest in the book and needs a lot of practice but it is essential to help reduce stress levels all round.

• Validate their feelings. Full stop. (Caveat: where appropriate, we can follow up by asking if they want our advice.)