Throughout this article, when using the term ‘therapist’, the term ‘counsellor’ is equally applicable.

In my training as a therapist, I was taught to look out for ‘nominalisations’. Nominalisations are words that are used in a vague way, without sufficient detail, such that they could mean something different to different people. For example, when somebody says, ‘We need change!’, we can all agree to this statement, but we would probably disagree on exactly what change is needed, why it is needed, when it is needed and the best way to bring it about. One example I was told to look out for is when clients say something like, ‘I just want to be happy’, because the term ‘happy’ is a nominalisation and the therapist’s understanding of the term might be completely different to the client’s. So we were taught to find out specifically what happiness means to the client and help them achieve it.

Now that I have been a practising therapist for a few years, I believe that every therapist should be able to explain and help clients understand what happiness actually is. I think we need a working definition that we can all agree to. I also think every therapist should be living it themselves and showing that happiness is achievable. (I know that I always struggled to respect the teaching of someone who I didn’t feel was able to do what they were advising others to do.)

Happiness is clearly something that everyone would surely agree they would want if it is achievable. And so happiness can’t be based on external factors such as wealth, health, family circumstances, education, where we are from, etc. otherwise we are saying that there are many people in the world who can’t be happy, and there’s no point in them trying – until their circumstances change. Also, there are many people in the world who seemingly have everything they need to be happy but aren’t, and many who have very little but are clearly show all the signs of being happy.

It is true that if external factors such as wealth, health, family, education, etc. are going well it should be easier to be happy, but clearly, if there are any examples of people who manage to be happy without these factors in place, there must be more to it. It is what these external factors might provide for us that should help us achieve happiness: for example, wealth gives us a sense of financial security so that should help us relax; good health should make it easier to feel good about ourselves without pain or physical difficulty; a supportive family gives us a sense of belonging so we can relax in the knowledge that we are loved; a good education can give us a sense of achievement and purpose, that we are competent and useful and can add value.

So what all these examples of external factors have in common is that they reduce and eliminate certain stresses. It’s a stress to be worrying about where the next meal is coming from or how the bills are going to be paid. It’s a stress to be uncomfortable or in pain because of our health or worrying that our bodies are deteriorating. It’s a stress to feel we are unloved, isolated, that we don’t belong. It’s a stress to feel we are worth more, that our talents are being wasted, that our lives lack meaning and purpose. So, in essence, happiness is simply the lack of stress.

There are really only two states of being, either we are at peace or we are not. We are either content, fine, satisfied – or we are not. And this goes from moment to moment. So, moment by moment, we are either fine or we are not. And we see this in nature. Look at any animal, and what are they doing? Basically nothing! They are just being! Until they have a feeling which drives them towards an action. If they feel hungry, they will try and eat. If they feel sexualised, they will try and mate. If they feel threatened, they will try to get rid of or get away from the threat. Once the action has satisfied the desire, the feeling goes away and they go back to peace, they are fine again, neutral, content with what they have, ie. not needing anything.

And so it is the same with us. Our natural state is to be at peace – and we know it, because it feels right. It’s the state where we are not needing anything. There is no feeling needing satisfying. Those feelings we have that need satisfying are what we call stress. So when we don’t have any stress, we are at peace, needing nothing in particular. We are satisfied in that moment. We are content in that moment. So, happiness is about feeling satisfied, that things are good enough. That we don’t need more than what we have right now. So in one sense, we are dipping in and out of happiness constantly, moment by moment, satisfied until we need something, and when we get that need met, we are satisfied again.

But in another sense, as human beings with a conscious brain, with these extra special neurons that allow us to be aware of what we are feeling, see the context, make judgements, make decisions and choices, we are capable of so much more. With our conscious brain, we have been freed up from the automatic responses that govern all of nature. We can do so much better than live in a constant state of flux, from satisfaction to dissatisfaction, always at the whim of external factors.

There are two elements to our own sense of happiness. One is at the micro level, moment by moment in daily life, and the other is at the macro level, where we can step back and view our lives as a whole. To reach a state of happiness, it is important to consider both elements.

Happiness at the micro level

Being happy at the micro level is certainly the hardest to maintain – and it really is about maintenance. Moment to moment, day to day, week to week, things change, situations happen, things are going to go wrong, there are going to be unwanted surprises, not everything is going to go as we expect – so there is going to be stress, there will be difficult unwanted challenges and problems to solve. This is a given. It is a part of life for everyone.

So therefore, if we value our happiness, if happiness is our goal, then we should be aiming to minimise stress, eliminate it as soon as possible, solve our problems as efficiently as possible, deal with the challenges in the best way we can. That will then give us the best chance of returning to peace, calmness, a sense of security, a feeling of satisfaction, at the earliest opportunity.

So, it would make sense then, that we certainly shouldn’t be doing anything to exacerbate our stress levels. We shouldn’t be finding ways to increase our dissatisfaction. We shouldn’t be losing our calmness unless it is absolutely necessary. We shouldn’t be disrupting our own sense of security. This seems like I am stating the obvious, and yet, that is exactly what we can find ourselves doing without even realising.

One of the amazing qualities about being human is the ability to think. How we think is what we call our mindset. And as human beings, we actually have the ability to choose our mindset. Our mindset is subjective. It is possible to see the same situation in very different ways. As conscious beings, we have the ability to choose our mindset in any given circumstance. It would make sense then to always choose the mindset which helps us maintain a sense of happiness, security, satisfaction and calm rather than opt for a mindset which keeps us stressed, dissatisfied, unhappy and insecure.

And though the logic is simple, I know it is the practice, moment by moment, day by day, week by week, which is the difficulty. But again, if happiness is our goal, then there is no avoiding the challenge.

Let us take the classic example of whether a glass is half full, or half empty. This is a perfect example to demonstrate how a simple shift in mindset changes the whole perspective and so changes the feeling around the situation. Both statements are true. The glass is half full and it is half empty – that is objective. But one statement is focusing on what we have and what we can use; the other statement is focusing on what we don’t have and are therefore lacking. If we are focusing on what we have that is useful, we are putting ourselves into a state of satisfaction, a sense of security, a state of calm , we are taking control- essentially, a state of happiness. If we are focusing on what we don’t have, what we are lacking, we are putting ourselves into a state of dissatisfaction, a state of need, a state of insecurity, a state of stress – a state of unhappiness.

Apply this simplistic example to more realistic problems in our life, from politics, to the weather, to daily inconveniences that occur, to other people’s behaviour, and there will be situations where we are instantly going with the ‘glass half empty’ mindset, without questioning it, putting ourselves in a state of stress, dissatisfaction, lack, unhappiness.

This does not mean that there aren’t things in life that we will be unhappy about, but, if we follow the example of nature, the point is to return to peace at the earliest opportunity. So many of the things in human life, that we are not happy with, are completely beyond our control. In nature, the feeling of stress fuels an action, which then satisfies the need, so then the stress can go away and the being can go back to peace. In us, if the stress is not going to result in any meaningful action that changes the situation to our liking, that fuel is doing nothing but destroying our peace and chance of happiness in that moment.

So, again, if we value our happiness and our peace, then we have to take stress seriously. We have to take responsibility for the mindset we allow ourselves to be in. We have to notice when we have some stress, even just a little bit, because, in that moment, we are not happy. And our happiness is our responsibility, so we can’t say we want to be happy if we are ignoring the micro moments when we are allowing ourselves not to be. And again, we do have a choice in this. It is not inevitable that we must be stressed when things aren’t going the way we want.

Let us take some typical examples of when people moan, complain, focus on the negative, the lack, what they haven’t got, what’s not right, why they shouldn’t be happy in that moment. Let’s uses the examples of the weather, the traffic/state of the roads, politics and other people. It is undoubtedly true that these four examples can cause all of us problems in our life, but is there a better mindset we can adopt instead of what might be a typical negative reactive narrative. With all of these examples, it’s not a case of saying ‘it’s fine’ when it’s not. It’s about being objective with the problem, and deciding if there’s anything we can do about it. Hopefully, looking at these examples will be useful and transferable to other situations in life.

With the weather, of course throughout our lives, we are going to experience bad weather so we need to make sure we have the right clothing and protection to minimise the discomfort it can cause. Once we have done that, there’s nothing more we can do, so we need to accept it, ie. be at peace with it, ie. be happy with it.

With the traffic and state of the roads, again we need to realise that, if we want to use the road system, there are going to be problems from time to time. There will be congestion at times. There will be accidents. There will be damaged roads that haven’t been repaired yet. There will be delays from roadworks. What can we do? We can make sure we give ourselves enough time for a journey, and if we still get delayed, we can just relax and accept it. At least we are not in an accident. We will get to our destination eventually. It really isn’t the end of the world. So make the most of it, enjoy the music, or the thinking time, or that podcast you’ve been meaning to listen to. But whatever you do, stressing is not going to change anything except your happiness in that moment.

Again, with the example of politics, of course there will be decisions that politicians make that we don’t like. And it’s fine to be aware of it and have an opinion. But there really is no point on dwelling with that opinion if you’re not actually going to do anything tangible. Are you going to become a local councillor, to become a local MP, to get into the cabinet, to be involved in the big decisions? Are you going to join an activist group? Are you going to start a petition? Whatever you’re going to do, do it, and then be at peace with your decision. If you’re not going to do anything, then you’ll just have to accept it and use your vote when it comes around. Once you choose to accept it, you are choosing to be at peace with it, to just be happy with it. If you can’t accept it, then do something – if you’re not going to do something, then accept it. Those are the choices.

In the case where someone is not to our liking for whatever reason, we have a choice of how much we focus on them. Human beings are infinitely different so of course there are going to be people who we do not understand or resonate with. It is very easy to judge, criticise, moan, complain, put people down. It is a common topic of conversation, a way of passing time with people we do like. But it is not a healthy way to make ourselves feel good. It is not a real way to gain happiness. Why? Because it is coming from our own sense of insecurity. When we put others down, it is a simple way of making ourselves feel bigger. Why do we need to do that? Because we don’t feel big enough already. Judging and criticising is focusing on what is not right with someone, it is focusing on what is lacking, and is a false way to make ourselves feel good, so it will never help us get to a real, deeper happiness within ourselves. If we are truly happy with ourselves, we don’t need to put others down. If anything, we feel sorry for them and would rather see them built up than put down.

In the case of other people causing problems in our lives, whether they be family, friends, neighbours, colleagues, bosses, strangers, etc. of course this is going to happen in life. People can be so infinitely different to each other that it is inevitable that, if you interact with people in any capacity, you will have different ways of seeing things. It is up to us how we choose to handle these differences. It is not inevitable that it has to turn into conflict. The only way we can find solutions is through conversation, dialogue, seeking understanding and compromise. The only way that happens is if we are calm. So we have to start from a place of peace with our differences and the problems that ensue. We have to try and find a calm way through. The moment we are in conflict, communication stops. Communication is what lands, not what is sent. And once we are in conflict, we stop listening, we stop seeking understanding and we are only fixed on the other side hearing us. When both sides are doing this, it is a complete waste of time and energy. Relating to other people requires peace first so again, we have to take responsibility for our stress and do something about our mindset so that we can get through challenging situations as efficiently as possible.

If peace and happiness are our primary goals for our life, we need to get more clear and decisive with those micro moments that occur every day. What is hopefully becoming clear is that happiness is about finding an ‘inner’ peace. It is not about everything being fine around us, our circumstances being good, about people being decent and doing the right thing. It is about what is going on inside of us. And when it comes to the crunch, the only thing we can truly control in life, is us. Our thoughts. Our mindset. Our feelings. Our words and actions. If we are serious about gaining a sustainable sense of peace and happiness, then let us start by taking more seriously how we find it moment by moment, every day and therefore, how we minimise and eliminate each and every stress we feel as efficiently and effectively as possible.

Happiness at the macro level